so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
