Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
