About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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