best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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