My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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