When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
