I can text with my tongue
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
