Swine flu. Run for my life!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
