quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
