My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
