God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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