So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
