I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
