I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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