I'm going to jail i love you
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
