when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
