piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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