i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
