ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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