you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
