I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
