Can i not drive my cunt home
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
