Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
