This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
