My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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