Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
