OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
