If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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