after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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