if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
