Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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