We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
