Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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