Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm gonna fight the coyote
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
