a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
