oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
