felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
