I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
