Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
