I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
