Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
