I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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