I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
