Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
