saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
