Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
