Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
