Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
