We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
