Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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