Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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