he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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