Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
